5 Star Flashback: Moonstruck (1987)

★★★★★ See This or Die

“Take your friends, take your boyfriend. What the heck — take your grandmother, too.”

— Elizabeth, Sassy Magazine, March 1998

WARNING: Possible spoilers ahead, if, like me, you had never seen this film after 30 years.

There’s a scene near the end of Moonstruck where the old Italian grandfather buries his heads in his hands and sobs, “I’m confused!”

That was me, watching this movie.

The entire time, I kept thinking, “This was an Oscar-winning film?” (Facts! It was nominated for six Oscars at the 60th Academy Awards: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, and Best Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen. It won for Best Screenplay, Best Actress for Cher, and Best Supporting Actress for Olympia Dukakis.)

And, yes, Cher does give a powerhouse performance — I found myself wondering, is she really Italian? ‘Cause she nailed the accent and mannerisms of her character Loretta Castorini. (And, no, she’s not! She’s Armenian and Cherokee.) One thing though: I thought she looked beautiful right when the film started, and was kinda bummed when she gets the makeover and they pluck her eyebrows and dye away her grey hairs.

But, WHAT? I just did not understand the Nicolas Cage attraction. And there wasn’t enough exposition for me to understand why she was so quick to jump into bed with him, especially since he’s her fiancée’s brother (played by a perfectly sympathetic Danny Aiello).

YOU JUST MET!!!!!!

Plus, she portrays Loretta as such a no-nonsense, practical, strong woman who knows what she wants (the scene in the restaurant where she insists her boyfriend get down on his knee to propose to her is a perfect example of what a strong female lead Loretta is), and then Nicolas Cage is all, “I want you in my bed,” and she’s like, “Sure”? This is especially bizarre in light of the affair her own father is having, and she and Cage had just ran into him and his mistress at the opera.

I’m sure there’s some bigger meaning to this film that I’m just not getting. Maybe it’s some kind-of modern retelling of the opera La bohème that Cher and Nicolas Cage go see together. (I don’t know what that opera is about.) Maybe Cher and Cage do have some electrifying chemistry that I just didn’t pick up on. Maybe it’s some kind-of statement about… commitment? (What about that scene where Olympia Dukakis turns down Frasier’s Dad (actor John Mahoney), saying, “I can't invite you in because… I know who I am.” So, Loretta didn’t know who she was? And then the father’s own affair.

Which is all to say, like Grandpa up there: I’m confused.